Older, Taller

Being in college is very different than I ever thought it would be. Well, to better state my meaning, growing up is very different than I ever thought it would be.

I was talking with James the other day about how it felt to be becoming independent adults. Through our conversation, we hit on the fact that both of us grew up believe that somehow, at some point, adulthood finds you. It never occurred to us that adults were just people like us who'd simply lived longer and learned more. We'd both assumed for the majority of our lives that being an adult was something that happened to you when you got a job or lived on your own; that suddenly, once certain criteria were met, fear would magically leave your life, you would understand great and complex matters, you could manage time and money impeccably without effort, that things would cease to be confusing. It wasn't until we starting being adults that we were able to even mostly digest the idea that most adults are just people who are older. "Adult", it began to appear to my eyes, was simply a term used to refer to people over the age of 21. But being a true "grown-up" is something else entirely - it has so much less to do with age and so much more to do with maturity. Earth-shattering.

Walking through campus today, brushing through laughter and loud conversation, feeling my peers close around me, I began to wonder how many of them might be waiting on adulthood to find them. Maybe James and I were unusual in our expectations of adulthood, but I suspect not. No, I suspect the majority of my generation is confusedly waiting to become an adult with age. I suspect the majority of my peers are stuck in a state of perpetual adolescence, simply older and taller now, not more grown-up.

Heavy

I shouldn't be writing right now. I should be very asleep. But I can't sleep just yet. I've felt the urge to write all day, a growing ache like being too full but continuing to eat. It's painful to hold it in but life throws more and more at me and I've not had time to process it in written form.

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain and sharp wind, feeling like I'd swallowed and elephant or some other giant creature. I felt deep heaviness in my heart and a rock in my stomach. I couldn't tell you why, and despite my attempts to remain cheery I haven't been able to shake this chill, like it was permeating from within. As the day progressed, I grappled with the usual challenges and joys of being in my shoes right now. By all accounts this was a pretty great day. Yet all day I felt like crying, like my spirit was yearning to mimic nature and weep bitter tears. I've been periodically searching my spirit since this morning to see if I could discover the root of this malady, re-evaluating my emotions, my soul's condition, my circumstances. I'd like to have a focal point, a culprit to blame for this dull sadness that's nagged me since waking, something other than the icy rain and dreary skies. But I haven't found one.

I could write about a thousand little irritants. The way it bothered me when so-and-so said this, or the way I didn't have time for this, or how I'd forgotten about that, or the way this new problem arose. But all of these things seem petty, and this ache preceded them. I could also tell you about today's thousand little highlights. How that person made this comment, or how renewed I felt in this moment, or the fun I had doing this one thing. But none of it is the root. None of it hits on the cause of this ache. My mind feels muddled with all this thinking.

Today I'll just have to lean heavy on the knowledge that I am small and limited and broken, while God is expansive and omnipotent and whole. Today may never make sense, but it doesn't have to. 

Praise

I'm discovering a beautiful thing about my school days - I get out of class in just enough time to see the sunset at its prime. Every evening I walk out of my psychology class to see the earth bathed in golden rays and the sky painted in vibrant hues, glowing shades of ecstasy, all. On these often cloudy, blustery winter days, there's something very life-giving in melting into a moment of praise in the sun's fading light. 


As I get older, my understanding of praise is changing. Growing up, I understood praise to be a physical action one performs to show reverence. Trouble is, physical actions of singing or serving or dancing can mask a hard heart. As a child I assumed that praise was something you did because you were supposed to. You sing hymns because God deserves them. You love because you're supposed to. Now I understand that praise as an action is heart-motivated and emanates from a deep love for the worshiped, but I've grown to understand more than that. I believe praise is less about action and more about the position of your heart. It matters less what you're doing to express praise, but more that your heart is fully engaged in worship. And I tell you, there's nothing that moves me to worship in quite the same way as a sunset. My soul comes alive in the glory of the colors splashed above. I love to sing and I love to dance but in the majesty of nature my heart is turned to trembling goo in awe of my Creator, and all I want to do I stand with my face skyward, pressing my heart towards His in still, wordless praise.

Of Plans and Dreams

Okay so this is cheating a little...but I made it...and it's pretty much what the majority of today was...

Wedding planning for the bulk of today. Fleshed out a menu for the rehearsal dinner and the reception. The Hicks' are being wonderful and helping James and I out with the food. They're coordinating and making it all (except for the cake) which is a huge stress-saver for me. Plus, the homemade finger foods at the reception will just add to the rustic feel of the whole event, which I love!

Today I was all giddy with dreams of the details. Lanterns, ties, polaroids, paper flowers, cupcakes, s'mores, sand, sunset, mason jars, dresses...ah it's really more than I can stand sometimes. And I love getting to take this journey with my best friend.
James and I are very different people, and that is reflected in our styles. James is techy, into retro nerd culture and hip, sleek, modern things, though he's pretty laid-back style-wise. I'm more...romantic...I guess. While I love my blazers and skinny jeans, I'd rather be barefoot in a light dress in the middle of a meadow any day. We both share a laid-back feel in our styles, and while we're each 3/4 one way, we flip to other ways as well. Ultimately, our style as a couple ends up being pretty eclectic with aspects of modernity and comfy elegance.  We want our wedding to reflect our quirky "couple style", with a rustic feel with geeky, fun flair. It's not easy, but we're finding ways. For example, the "grooms cake", which is actually going to be cupcakes, will be topped with a girl Yoshi and a boy Yoshi kissing, while another set of cupcakes will likes be topped with cute little kissing birds. It's definitely  not an easy process, but it's one I love.

Counting the days...

My Darling, Dear

Tonight I find myself trembling with excitement and joy. Nothing really exciting has happened, but I'm so happy in this moment.

I spent the majority of the day at work. While working all night on a Saturday night really isn't that enjoyable, I've grown fairly attached to those slow afternoons and evenings, laughing with my co-workers. Some incredibly mundane moments can just be so sublime. Running between tasks this afternoon, I became aware of the way the sun was shining through the windows. I paused and took a deep breath, trying almost to inhale the golden rays that were casting their lovely hue over everything, filling the air with their warmth. I could only spare a moment before I had to dive back into some task or another, but I think that just made the moment more perfect. Working hard, sharing smiles, enjoying the lazy afternoon - I do love what I get to do.

James picked me up after close. We've each been hard at work, building our respective beautiful things ever since. I've been wedding planning, James has been hard at work on D&D terrain. Laughing, talking, creating, it's been a pretty fabulous evening. A fulfilling way to end a fulfilling day. 

Four Months

Oh mai! Looks like we've arrived at the four-month mark! Four months from today I will join my life with my beloved's forever. Time is truly flying! I'm a little overwhelmed by it all, but I'm so excited!

The realization of how much I need to get done is forcing me to be a little more organized. I've drawn up some sketches, made some lists, settled on some ideas, and now we're making things happen. Groom and groomsmen outfits were picked earlier this week. Flowers were picked today. Menus will be finalized Sunday. Save the dates are going out this week. Dress appointments will be made next week. Engagement photos next month. Ring order next month. Invitations next month. Premarital classes start next month. Crafts will be at least 1/2 done by February's end. So much progress, yet still so much to do. I'm definitely going to have to fight the urge to let wedding plans and dreams of my life with James consume my life now. I want to be excited and plan, but I don't want to miss the next four months for the sake of one day, albeit an incredibly amazing, special, once-in-a-lifetime day.

Oh how I love this!

Brotherly Love

I adore my brother.

My mom remarried in December. It was a beautiful celebration that still brings tears to my eyes. If only I could convey how God has done such astounding things in the life of my family over the last several years...but that's a little off-point. After the wedding, she and my little brother moved in with my step-dad while I stayed behind in the townhouse. It's pretty awesome having my own place, but it gets lonely around here sometimes. I especially find myself missing my brother. He's such a sweetie and I miss getting to sit on the couch with him and talk about his life. So about a week ago I scheduled time for just he and I to hang out and do one of our favorite things - play with puppies!

Zac and I understand each other. We think in similar ways, enjoy similar things, share similar fears. One of the things we both absolutely flip for is animals. We LOVE being around animals. A couple years ago, James and I discovered a puppy store nearby that very generously allowed us to play with puppies for as long as we'd like. I loved it and have made efforts to visit regularly ever since. I've taken my brother there a couple of times, but not nearly as often as I'd like. Tonight I wanted to do something special for Zac and this puppy store was the perfect place. We spent a couple hours just lollygagging in the cuteness and laughing with one another. Once we were fully exhausted and covered in new-puppy smell, we went to dinner, then back to the townhouse for a little while to just hang out. I can't put into words how much that kid means to me. He's always had a special place in my heart and he always will. He is just too cool.

Now my body is tired from work, my eyes are tired from staring at a computer screen, my brain is tired from day-dreaming and planning, and my heart is tired from love. 

Where's Waldo

Above is a birthday present James gave me. It's an gorgeous necklace with our names in the center written in beautiful calligraphy. Our astoundingly talented friend (Savannah of MaieDae) makes them and sells them, as well as a plethora of adorable treasures like them, on her Etsy shop. She's one of those people whose artistic and creative gifting is just so astoundingly evident.

Full day. Today was the my first full day of classes for this semester. Typical day at school.  My courses right now are bio, sophomore psych, anthropology, and world religions. It's close to ideal. I've been trying to swap my bio class for an advanced composition class, but haven't been successful. It makes me a little sad. But at least I'm in good classes, though they aren't all my ideal.

I've always been a pretty sensitive person.It's embarrassing to a degree. Little things feel like tidal waves sometimes, and it can often be pretty hard to hide my feelings when they're past a certain intensity. For the most part, I love being so sensitive. Other people's joy is contagious, the way leaves tremble in the wind can rocket my mood sky high. But it does have its backlash. Today, some friends (more of acquaintances really) lost their father suddenly. I was in the library praying quietly for them when I went by Facebook to see if there was an update. That's when I found out. My insides turned tight and cold, chills ran down my arms. I fought back tears until tonight, when I let them flow with intensity. I've never met the man. I know from stories how amazing he was, but I'd never met him myself. Still, knowing that these friends were experiencing such anguish...it's almost like I was grieving with them, for them; like a small part of their pain was being carried in my heart. This isn't an uncommon occurrence, though it is a perpetually mystifying one. To a small degree, I can reason through some probable causes, but so many times I find myself caught up in an emotion, in an experience, that isn't directly mine for reasons I can't understand.

For tonight I'm left with a heavy heart and fervent prayers.

The Brain

Been in a fairly romantic mood today. Not romantic as in mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey (not that those moods are bad). Romantic as in Romanticism - nature, humanity, concepts of beauty and wholeness and the like. I've had the same Emily Dickinson poem running through my mind all day. It's one of my favorites (for now).

"The Brain - is wider than the Sky - 

For - put them side by side - 

The one the other will contain

With ease - and You - beside

The Brain is deeper than the sea -

For - hold them - Blue to Blue - 

The one the other will absorb - 

As Sponges - Buckets - do

The Brain is just the weight of God - 

For - Heft them - Pound for Pound

And they will differ - if they do - 

As Syllable from Sound"

Literature and writing can romance my soul in a special way. I love writing (though this blog doesn't do justice to writing as an art) and when I read things like this poem, I can get lost in inspiration for hours (all day in this case). I'm with Ms. Dickinson on her stance on "the Brain" up until the last stanza. There my beliefs differ slightly. Dickinson's religious beliefs changed a great deal over her life time, raised a Calvinist and becoming more of a Deist, or even Pantheist, in her later life. The last stanza here illustrates her belief that humanity, the human mind and spirit, differ from God in small, near indistinguishable ways, if at all. I get where her romanticism is leading her, but here I take a different path. I believe "the Brain" to be far less than the weight of God, differing greatly, like sound from perfect syllogism. The Divine is unerring, beautiful, logical, lovely, whole. The human mind is fragmented, beautiful merely as flecks of something more than itself, as raindrops catching the sunlight. 

But alas, as so often happens when romantic inspiration sweeps me into its streams, I'm full to the brim of wonder and bliss, but can't put it to words nearly adequate enough. I feel like a tightly tied water balloon filled to bursting, straining to share what I can through a teensie pin-prick in my side. How's that for romantic??

So here I'll sit, moon-eyed and rapturous in an over-sized sweater and tights, longing to be a faucet like Emily Dickinson.

Adaptation

MLK Day today. Rainy day today. I spent the majority of my waking hours sitting on the couch, *trying* to read about writing literature reviews in psychology rather than watching TV and wedding planning. I was on real estate agent standby most of the day, which meant I couldn't really live in the house (no cooking, not too much moving of things, etc). I sat on the couch, sometimes reading, sometimes spacing out, always distracted by wedding ideas, with dog leash in hand, ready to go for a walk should someone come by. And they did. An hour past their time-frame. While it was raining.

After writing about love languages yesterday, I had them on the brain today. This evening James and I got into a conversation about what our love languages are now compared to what they used to be. It was really cool to discover how we've both adapted to the way each of us prefers to give and receive love. The ways I best receive love are the ways James has come to prefer to show love and vice versa. One of the things I love about James is how different he is from myself, and the way we blend our differences into our relationship. I adore the way we've grown together, and I feel so blessed that I get to spend the rest of my life learning about and growing with him.

Also, for anyone wondering, D&D isn't actually super weird. It's an involved board game. And just like with any board game, the company pretty much drives the fun. Thankfully, I get to play around with some pretty awesome people =)

Service

What a love.

This morning started well. I got up to cook breakfast for James and I (scrambled eggs and toast) in good spirits. Then BOOM - it hit me. One minute I was at the stove cooking eggs, the next I was doubled over in stomach pain, wondering if my appendix had burst. No, no it hadn't. But the nausea and pain didn't let up all day. So as I lay pitifully in bed, James ran to the store for some necessities. While he was out he picked up one of my favorites - Simply Orange with Pineapple juice! Yummmmmm.

These last several years have totally rocked my understanding of love. Especially the last two or so. One lesson I've learned in love is service. So much of how people can show they love each other is through acts of kind service. Love is so ultimately selfless and such selflessness lends itself to serving others, not in ways that are easy or comfortable, but in ways that are meaningful. I've never read any of the 5 Love Languages books (though James and I both will as part of our premarital counseling), I've learned as I've grown that "acts of service" isn't my highest way of receiving love, yet I still find it so gratifying when someone goes out of their way to do something particularly sweet. The little ways James has served me today moved me to tears.

This time a week ago snow was falling heavily as my 21st birthday drew to a close. Spending my first week as a completely legal adult in my pajamas and playing in the icy wonderland was pretty sweet.

To Do Good Work

This morning I spoke with God about work and effort. Recently, I've found myself dreading both of these things. I've got a fantastic job, but I've succumb to laziness of spirit. The temptation to take shortcuts and barely scrape by have been far higher for me than usual. I remember interviewing for this job and telling one of my future managers of my passion for a good day's hard work, of how satisfying I found it to come home after a long day of faithful effort aiming at meaningful work. Over this past summer, I spent two weeks in India doing just this kind of work. In a foreign culture, in an opposite time zone, in a place so very far from home, I found special grounding in being able to do good work all day and fall into bed exhausted at night. These days, that fervor has waned and I'm longing for it back. So this morning I humbly asked for a renewal of my spirit, for that appetite for work to be restored. And in that moment God reassured me that today he'd provide me with that opportunity.

And boy did He! Tonight I worked 3-close, not one of my favorite shifts (personally, I'm not a huge fan of closing). After a long week of doing a whole lot of nothing, there's nothing quite like an eight-hour shift to shock the senses of one tempted to slothfulness. But instead of counting the minutes, I found myself truly engaged in my work for the first time in a while. Time passed quickly and, while I was completely exhausted by the end of my shift (which was a rather busy one), I felt invigorated and whole, like the way only a good day's work can leave you. James and his friend Will even came by to eat dinner with me on my break!
And of course coming home to a hug from Snacks the cat was pretty great too =)

Team Sport

I'm coming to believe more and more every day that life is a team sport. Once I believed I could traverse this existence well enough alone, subsisting on my own energies and wisdom. Now I can't fathom living that way. That isn't to say that I believe solitude is a bad thing, but rather that both solitude and companionship have their place, and that either exclusively usually leads to trouble.

Today was full of mundane adventures. No work, no school. The most treasured luxury this absence of schedule afforded today was the gift of a long lunch with my babylove. James recently came into the possession of some Subway coupons and, both of us being huge fans of the sub sandwich, we've been merrily munching our way through them. Today we took one of the coupons and instead of getting our sandwiches to-go as we usually do, we decided to sit and just talk. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a sub sandwich quite as much as I did today. We spent an hour and a half just talking and eating. As fast eaters both, James and I rarely take this long at a meal. We're usually rushing off to the park or the movies or to play a game. To spend a solid ninety minutes lingering over sandwiches, conversing through the weighty and the insubstantial in a meandering fashion, was so lovely. It was doubly refreshing because it's the first semblance of a date we've been able to eek out this week because of the ice. Just sitting with my darling, enjoying sandwiches we didn't make ourselves, eating at a table I wasn't going to have to pick up later, simply enjoying being on the same team as someone so out-of-this-world...my favorite.
I think as long as the both of us remember 1) that we're on the same team, 2) that the team we're on is bigger than the both of us, and 3) that the stakes of this "game" are just as real and high as the rewards, then we might just make it through this thing.

Venturing Out

Grateful for this day. Today I ventured outside of the square mile in which James and I had been holed up since Sunday. It was remarkable. Ice and snow everywhere. I've never seen roads covered in ice and snow. Honestly, this is a first for me. I've lived in Georgia my whole life thus my winter experiences are rather limited. Here are a couple misconceptions about winter that my good Southern upbringing has taught me -

• Snow and ice are practically synonymous - Here in Georgia, when it snows, it ices inevitably. And I'm not talking picturesque icicles or a little slicking on the sidewalks, I'm talking full on, roads closed, power out, can't leave your house ice. 
• Throwing snowballs is dangerous - The texture of Southern snow is rather different than that of Northern snow. My mom, a Wisconsonian herself, has always bemoaned the wet, hard nature of Southern snow. In the North snow is fluffy and light, easy to pack into a formation but not melty and slushy like it is here. You can't throw a Georgia snowball, even if you tried, because what you'd actually be throwing is an ice clod. Despite this trend, the snow that fell almost a week ago was of the fluffy variety for the first 12 hours after it fell. It was magical.
• Snow is a rare thing - I lived the majority of my short 21 years believing that snow is something that almost never happens. In Georgia, we get maybe, maybe three two-inch icy snowfalls a year, each melting completely within a day or two. For these, the whole state holds it's breath and rushes to the store for milk and bread. It's only been in the last five years or so that I've fully grasped the idea that snow happens...a lot in some places. There are places just couple states north of here that can have snow on the ground for WEEKS at a time! Mind-blowing.

So with these misconceptions in mind, we took to the streets of Georgia, my beloved and I. It was nightmarish, a bit. So much ice! A couple of fishtailing experiences and a few tense uphill/downhill rides later and I'm thoroughly convinced that we should all stay in our houses at least another day or two. Pretty scary stuff.

Was scheduled to work today. Turns out we were incredibly slow so home I went. Same for James. Played Pokemon cards. Journaled. Wedding-planned. Played Gears of War 2. Day-dreamed. Then off to the Wallace's for a happy D&D game with James's good friends Jon and Will. I'm pretty fond of spending hours around a game board with hand-fulls of die and fun people, laughing our way through epic and preposterous situations. Though school is canceled tomorrow, I feel like today was enough to recharge my batteries for another day of being home-bound. Grateful.

Chill

Today was the worst day for icing yet. James woke up early and like the darling he is, was hard at work before I even stirred. He cleaned the house some, started the fireplace up, and helped a neighbor out of her drive way. I wandered downstairs late, as usual for this week, to find him sitting at the kitchen table reading, journaling, and reflecting. He grinned at me and told me to put my shoes on, that we'd walk to the store for a few necessities before it got too windy (the winds were crazy today by the way). He knows how much I love to be outside. So we started out to the store, clinging to each other to keep ourselves upright. We made it to the edge of the subdivision before we caught a good glimpse of the road. The sidewalk was caked in ice and the grass lining the sidewalk was covered in about three inches of snow...that was also caked in ice. The road, on the other hand, was iced pretty well, but had dry patches. James looked at the road, looked at the sidewalk, then back at the road, and again at the sidewalk. Our eyes met and we both laughed and turned back towards the house to drive to the store, the wind practically pushing us down the icy slope in the neighborhood.

Snow on the ground in 49 states. The chill has set my brain on fuzzy-mode. Monday was magical, the snow forcing the entire state of Georgia to take a long weekend. Today is Wednesday. It's a bit less magical. I find there's something corrosive about being unable to work this long, or rather for just doing nothing for this long. We were created to work, and while I love spending days on end, sitting beside the fireplace with my beloved, the balance of work-to-rest is out of whack right now.

It hit me today that we're approaching the four-months-until-the-wedding mark. Boy there's a lot to do! I need to make centerpieces, buy sound equipment, purchase my dress, settle dinner and cake arrangements, rent chairs, decide on a bouquet style, buy table linens...the list goes on. Most of the decisions have been made, it's just time to start making those decisions realities. 129 days!

Cabin-Fever

My favorite parts of today - the slurch noise the snow/ice makes, the sheer volume of movies I've been able to watch, and getting to spend so much time with my babylove. The joys of the snow are fantastic...but I'm getting restless.

It's day two of Snowpocalypse 2011 as it's being called (though I personally prefer Birthday Snowpocalypse). Today the snow has been solidly coated in ice so that normal fun snow activities aren't really as fun. That means more time inside. The restoration of yesterday is quickly becoming the restlessness of today. Too much of these four walls.

My energies are being sapped quickly. Not enough vitamin D I suppose. There's also the psychological component of feeling trapped. But primarily there's the spiritual component of sitting still and just being. I have a hard time not being busy. During the semester I always complain about being too busy but a week into summer I'm ready to run back to having to be a million places at once. Having to literally be within the same square mile for 48 hours and counting is forcing me to just sit and be, with myself, with my flaws, with God. I love this rest, but I've never been good at this level of sitting and being. I suppose in these days while I can't exercise my physical muscles, I can exercise my spiritual and emotional once. Time to practice being still.

Restoration

What a beautiful day. After frolicking in the snow late into the night last night, I slept in this morning, waking of my own volition around 10. The sun was shining, sleet was falling, and I found myself more ready to greet the day than I have been in a good while!

James is snowed in at my place. It's kind of awesome. With the roads impassable, we were stuck in one place pretty much all day. There was movie watching, video game playing, and snow romping. Internet jokes were shared, delicious meals were cooked, and quality journaling was accomplished. Between the games and the beauty and the introspection, the day has left me remarkably restored.

The most notable accomplishment of the day occurred around 5 PM when James and I decided to walk the mile or so to QuikTrip. The six inches of snow had been covered in a thick sheet of ice that crunched satisfyingly beneath each step. Carefully, we marched our way through the sleet and icy streets to rent a movie from the 1-day-rental stand outside the gas station and to buy a hot chocolate to split. We barely beat the twilight home an hour later, chilled but cheerful (yes, it did take us an hour to walk a total of maybe two miles...but to our credit it WAS actually uphill both ways). So now when we have kids one day, we'll be able to tell them truthfully about that one time Mom and Dad walked hand-in-hand to the store in a snowstorm uphill both ways. I think my bucket-list just got a little shorter.

Dear Father, thank you for the glory of your presence and your power of restoration. 

Twenty-First

The most precious people <3

The air is crisp and quiet, only the whir of snow flakes rushing against tree branches dares to whisperingly disturb the stillness. Thick, shimmery clouds of white cover every surface visible outside of my bedroom window. Taking it all in, I feel like a kid again - lost in the majesty of the wonderland before me. Part of me wants to dash wildly into the night and bury my hands into the perfect snow drifts; another part is simply too captivated to move, too awestruck to want to disturb this pristine scene. The latter part wins and I continue to gape giddily, my thoughts turning seamlessly from individual realizations of beauty to an indistinct stream of mushy glee, like a joyful faucet rushing through my brain and into my soul. Individual flakes twinkle against the glow of a lone streetlight shining through the trees. I shiver despite myself. I am not cold; I am invigorated, awakened, filled with ardor and bliss to overflowing. Tears of wonder, thankfulness, praise, and love well in my eyes as I continue to take in this sublime moment. In the stillness, amid the snowflakes' whispers, I can almost audibly hear God speaking softly to my soul, "Happy birthday, daughter. Happy birthday."

Today I turned 21. It was a marvelous birthday. I've run the gambit as far as birthday experiences go, and this was quite possibly the best ever. Some of my favorites are pictured above - my mom, step-dad, and little brother on the left, key lime pie in the middle, and my beloved on the right. After much needed soul-renewal in church this morning they all took me out to lunch at Provino's (save for the pie, of course. It joined us later). Once we'd eaten our fill and then some, we came back to the townhouse for my favorite dessert ever - key lime pie! After presents and hugs and a few sentimental tears, my family journeyed home. I adore them. Then James and I ventured to Target for Pokemon cards and out to Chili's for snack/dinner. A quick run to Blockbuster and then back to my place for TV (The Cape premiered tonight) and laughter. A winter storm had been forecast for all of Georgia since Friday, so James and I anxiously awaited the first snow flakes - and boy when they came they did so in abundance! We have about six inches here. It's glorious! Though my birthday is in January, I rarely get birthday snow. As a kid, the prospect of snow was just about the only thing that made a January birthday cool (you can only have an ice-skating party so many times...). The last time these precious flakes fell on my birthday was when I was turning nine. Now, eleven years later, it's happened again. And I did eventually charge boldly into the night, full of enthusiasm and delight, to play.

Ouchies

Migraine today. All day. Bleh.

Fun stuff to talk about. Too much brain numbing ouchies to eek out cogent sentences.

• Appraiser came by the townhouse. Now there's a sign in the yard.
• My mom might be the most awesome of her kind.
• Didn't get to work today because of the brain-hurt. Sadness.
• James brought me fluids and food in bed all day. Love that man.
• While out grocery shopping, he found a set of 16 glasses on sale for $8. First thing we've gotten for our future home <3
• Sleeeeeeep

That last one wasn't really a talking-point, more like a need. Back to bed and away from this light and sound. Tomorrow I turn 21.

Re:New

I hate cleaning, but I love the way I feel after it's done.

Today was the first day of school. Just to be frank, nobody wants to start school on a Friday - not even professors (as evidenced by the fact that my biology professor didn't even come to class today, just sent someone else with a sign-in sheet). After school I spent the rest of the day and night cleaning the house from top to bottom.

I'm an avoider by nature. I've developed the tendency to hide from problems rather than facing them head-on. It's a wholly unhealthy flaw that I actively work to confront. In my house, this manifests itself in that messes and such usually get the "I'll just deal with that later" treatment. Unfortunately, in situations like these, later rarely ever actually arrives.

Cleaning for me is like eating vegetables is to a kid - the act of starting to do it is the hardest part (once I'm doing it I often find it's not so bad at all, I might even be enjoying it!) The act of cleaning isn't actually a painful one. Rather, it's one I quite enjoy.I've found this process to be a cathartic one. The process of decluttering and refreshing my environment invigorates me. I generally finish the act feeling fresher, lighter, like I've turned over a new leaf. In those moments (our hours as the case was today) I am able to be alone with my thoughts, prayers, and reflections. While physically sorting out the junk and trash that has been left about carelessly, I get to do the same emotionally and spiritually. I turn over dusty, long-forgotten parts of myself and ask "Is this something I want to keep? Do I need this? What is the significance of this part of me?" I clear off the cloudy dirt on my heart and let fresh light shine in, removing old warn-out bits of self and making way for fresh new ones. In these times I have the opportunity to renew myself in the act of renewing my environment. Whoever thought counters could be so enlivening?

Provision

Tomorrow I return for another semester of school. I love school. I always have. Growing up, people develop skill sets - some are artists, some are musicians, some run track, some are social butterflies. I invested my energies in learning how to learn and how to love it. My first semester in college was magical. I took just the right number of engaging classes, I had no other major responsibilities, and I made many new friends. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven - this perfect balance of learning  and being around friends was just what I'd always loved about school. Since then, my experiences have kind of been a let down, especially this year.

Fiscally things lined up so that my first year of college I didn't have to work. I lived off of the Pell Grant and spent the majority of my time studying. This year, however, HOPE and Pell Grant barely cover my tuition, let alone books and other expenses. This has necessitated a job. Now, I love my job, I truly do. But after experiencing a world which consisted entirely of studying and having relationships, having to have a job is a little of a let down. I was spoiled and now I'm living closer to reality. But the real bummer comes at the beginning of every semester when I have to shell out between $300 and $500 for used and rented books. Partly due to the unusual brevity of the Christmas break and partly due to my putting off the dreaded task, I've yet to actually buy any books for this semester. Now the semester is upon me and I've discovered via online syllabuses that the majority of my classes are heavily reading based. Serves me right I suppose.

So today I found myself scouring the internet in search of cheap books I could get rush-delivered. As a penny-pincher by nature, it hurts to spend large sums of money at all. Now that I'm in a season of special frugality due to wedding and honeymoon costs, this pain is worsened. James and I make enough to get by, but nothing extravagant. And I never really want to live a well-moneyed life. I want to be able to comfortably save and live modestly. But right now every necessary cost takes from the funding of another necessity because there are so many more necessities than usual. Through all of this God has been so uncommonly gracious in His provision for us since our engagement. From huge things like the unbelievable living arrangements we'll be enjoying once we're married to smaller things like gifts of iTunes gift cards for reception music, God has used our friends and family as vessels of His love and provision in breathtakingly beautiful ways. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I've been brought to public tears in the last couple months because of unexpected kindness!

Despite these amazing experiences of provision and bounty, my short-sighted human heart is troubled at the very mention of another expense or a need that has yet to be met. Here I sit typing on a computer that is a blessing in a house that is a blessing and inwardly something trembles because I'll have to work a little harder to make sure books are paid for this semester (to attend college for which I pay no tuition). These are times I am glad my emotions do not dictate my life. God is so good and is ever faithful. Even if what I perceive to be needs go unmet, I know that God's faithfulness and provision in my life aren't lacking. He is steady and unchanging, faithful even in my short-sighted fits of panicked tears. He will provide. He always has and He always will.

Known

Today was marvelous.

After working a longer shift than usual, I got to spend the evening in the company of the two beautiful ladies you see to the left of me in the picture above. I love them!

These two girls are some of my dearest friends. Over the last several years, Hannah, Jenny, and I have shared many excruciating struggles and jubilant triumphs. They've blessed my life in more ways than I can ever really express. I've never really had stable, solid friendships with other girls that have stood the test of time, distance, and maturity. These two have been the lone exception to that tendency. We've been separated for months at a time, have lived many miles apart, and have gone several weeks without getting to visit with one another. And still God has held our friendship together. 2010 brought a lot of change to all of our lives and in the tumult of personal growth and change, our ability to spend time together as a group dwindled to almost nothing. It had been a solid eight months since we'd all sat in the same room. I'd gotten to see the both of them separately, but Jenny and Hannah hadn't gotten to see each other in months! Last night we spent the evening laughing, sharing, and enjoying each other's company once again. It was beautiful.

There's something precious about being fully known. When you can look into the eyes of another and know that they know you, understand you, accept you.

Dismantle

Verb: to take apart; disassemble; tear down

Today was on the emotional/heavy side for me. I worked and enjoyed most of that. Then ran errands. Then a very good Water's Edge to round out the night. Pretty much an average Tuesday. 

Being a human is hard work. Well, I suppose being a human is easy, incredibly easy. Being what we're called to be, something more than small, self-absorbed, gratification-seeking creatures, is really hard work. I'm growing convinced that one of my most daunting enemies is myself. Impulse versus patience, fight versus flee, self versus love. Constantly it seems I undo my best work. It's like I'm knitting furiously while another version of myself sits beside me, undoing my stitches just as furiously. And just as I'm becoming more sure that I'm my own worst enemy, I grow equally as sure with every passing day that the only escape from this one-step-forward-two-steps-back manner of living is God. 

In a culture and a society constantly asserting that the highest level of actualization is self-actualization, I sometimes feel like a trout swimming upstream. My generation seems to have drunk an exceptional amount of this self-involved Kool-Aid. "Find yourself and then you'll find the meaning of life!" they promise. Oh I've often found myself buying (both consciously and subconsciously) into that line of thinking. But I find this only leads to more emptiness and confusion than that with which I began. I'm growing increasingly weary of myself. I'd like to become more like what I was made to be, less of me and more of Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I know I am specifically and uniquely designed, but I think those distinctive aspects of myself become magnificent only in surrender to the One who created them. Less of me and more of Truth and Love, please.

Swimming in January

This is kind of becoming an obsession =)

I never really understood how people could spend so long just flipping through books and magazines before their weddings. I couldn't understand what on earth they were looking for, or what made one picture so dramatically different than another. Now I'm beginning to understand.

James's first cousin, once removed, Xan, and her husband Pat own the beach house we visited in Florida last weekend. They are truly awesome people who have been nothing short of a God-send in making the wedding of our dreams possible. While we were down there, Xan and I got to talk about wedding planning. She's planned several beach weddings and had TONS of helpful advice. In addition to all of the advice, she shared a plethora of delightful wedding books and magazines with us covering a broad range of topics from flowers to cakes, DIY decor to photo stories of extravagant weddings. Since Friday night I've been pouring over these jems, spending just about every free minute immersed in their pages. So many questions and ideas are swirling around in my head! It's times like these that I especially wish I was gifted in the visual arts. I've always been a little envious of those who can take what's in their heads and pour that onto a page or a photograph. But now more than ever. With so many ideas jumbling up my brain I wish I could just put them somewhere, clear out some space in my head and organize my ideas. For now it's all a swirly hodpodge of twinkle lights, anemones, sand, spanish moss, hydrangeas, mason jars, waves, s'mores, lanterns, hand-painted signs, and blue thistle - just a fuzzy, jumbled mess.

Today was largely unremarkable, a day of wedding dreams and work. I usually don't work Mondays since my school schedule is MWF, but this Monday I'm on break, the last Monday I'll be on break for several months. So today I worked. And since tonight is James's night to hang out with his best friend, I've spent the evening buried in books, blogging, and introspection, all while distracted by TV. One notable thing did happen today. In telling my dear friend Hannah about the reception venue, I got the most clear picture in my head I've had so far of what our reception will look like. It was a strikingly emotional two seconds for me, so much so that I teared up a little bit. It was...kind of awesome.

So for now I think I'll spend the rest of my evening swimming in my dreams, ideas, and plans. 

Lazy Sunday

Today...was a pretty good day.

I awoke this morning to bright sunshine and a particularly rested, cozy feeling. I rolled over lazily to check the time on my cell phone only to see a bright 11:30 AM glaring off the screen. The all too familiar frustrated disappointment that accompanies the realization that one has overslept flooded through me like a shock wave, quickly followed by a similar wave of sardonic amusement. "A new year doesn't change everything" I thought to myself as I rolled out of bed.

The rest of the day was filled with life-giving pursuits a-plenty. I had a long quiet time, worked on the wedding website, went for a run with James, went grocery shopping, watched Community (arguably one of the most HILARIOUS shows on TV right now), made dinner, and played a little Gears of War. All in all, except for missing church this morning, I've had a pretty excellent day.

After such an amazing couple days off, the realities of this next semester began hitting me today. All of this delightfully quiet introspection and gleeful pursuit of simple pleasures will soon dwindle to what I can squeeze in on the occasional week night. I adore school, but I am not looking forward to the onset of crazy schedules and the pressures that accompany working, going to school, and fulfilling other obligations. Also, after the amount of time James and I have been able to spend together, I've never been more ready to elope and just be married! Saying goodnight to him is by far the hardest part of every day.

Ah but time marches on and the next four and a half months wont really be that bad. School will be fun, friends will be amazing, work will be fulfilling, James and I will spend plenty of time together, and God will always be good. And on this lazy Sunday, I will sit back and enjoy the tranquility.

For good measure, here's a link to the video whose namesake I borrowed for this blog title. I'm pretty sure this never gets old!

Until tomorrow...

The First

Happy 2011! Today is New Year's Day, meaning that this is the official start of my commitment to blog every day. For a first entry I'd hoped to have something more interesting to say...hmmm.

I spent the large majority of today enjoying the wonderfully bleak view captured above. On Thursday, my fiancée James and I drove down to Seagrove Beach, Florida to scope out wedding locations (someone in his family owns a beach house there). We had a BLAST on our trip, but eventually all good things must come to an end and today we had to bid the sea farewell and make the six and a half hour drive home. The drive itself wasn't that bad, but it rained pretty much the entire time and while we made the 100 mile straightaway through Alabama we did so under caution to beware of tornadoes. Yay.

But if I had to make a long, austere drive through bad weather with anyone, it'd definitely be James. And this trip was worth even the gross drive. Though we only spent a full day down there, both of us took as much time as we could to really soak up the relaxed beauty that is so natural and typical of the beach. We had a quiet New Years celebration last night, talking with Pat and Xan (who own the beach house) about weddings and watching reruns of Saturday Night Live. As midnight approached, we caught glimpses of fireworks by the ocean. Barely able to stay awake, we said goodnight at 12:05 after a long hug, sharing excitement that this is the year we will wed. We also settled that Seagrove is definitely where we'll have our wedding and where we'll honeymoon! It's so gorgeous.

Phew, my brain is numb from driving. Instead of boring you with unfocused and hazy recollections of the highway, I'll leave you with some photo highlights of our trip.

Starting down towards the beach

Lunch at Cracker Barrel just past the halfway mark

The very tail end of sunset

Running towards the ocean

Getting a little more splashed than had been anticipated!

Cutie face