Provision

Tomorrow I return for another semester of school. I love school. I always have. Growing up, people develop skill sets - some are artists, some are musicians, some run track, some are social butterflies. I invested my energies in learning how to learn and how to love it. My first semester in college was magical. I took just the right number of engaging classes, I had no other major responsibilities, and I made many new friends. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven - this perfect balance of learning  and being around friends was just what I'd always loved about school. Since then, my experiences have kind of been a let down, especially this year.

Fiscally things lined up so that my first year of college I didn't have to work. I lived off of the Pell Grant and spent the majority of my time studying. This year, however, HOPE and Pell Grant barely cover my tuition, let alone books and other expenses. This has necessitated a job. Now, I love my job, I truly do. But after experiencing a world which consisted entirely of studying and having relationships, having to have a job is a little of a let down. I was spoiled and now I'm living closer to reality. But the real bummer comes at the beginning of every semester when I have to shell out between $300 and $500 for used and rented books. Partly due to the unusual brevity of the Christmas break and partly due to my putting off the dreaded task, I've yet to actually buy any books for this semester. Now the semester is upon me and I've discovered via online syllabuses that the majority of my classes are heavily reading based. Serves me right I suppose.

So today I found myself scouring the internet in search of cheap books I could get rush-delivered. As a penny-pincher by nature, it hurts to spend large sums of money at all. Now that I'm in a season of special frugality due to wedding and honeymoon costs, this pain is worsened. James and I make enough to get by, but nothing extravagant. And I never really want to live a well-moneyed life. I want to be able to comfortably save and live modestly. But right now every necessary cost takes from the funding of another necessity because there are so many more necessities than usual. Through all of this God has been so uncommonly gracious in His provision for us since our engagement. From huge things like the unbelievable living arrangements we'll be enjoying once we're married to smaller things like gifts of iTunes gift cards for reception music, God has used our friends and family as vessels of His love and provision in breathtakingly beautiful ways. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I've been brought to public tears in the last couple months because of unexpected kindness!

Despite these amazing experiences of provision and bounty, my short-sighted human heart is troubled at the very mention of another expense or a need that has yet to be met. Here I sit typing on a computer that is a blessing in a house that is a blessing and inwardly something trembles because I'll have to work a little harder to make sure books are paid for this semester (to attend college for which I pay no tuition). These are times I am glad my emotions do not dictate my life. God is so good and is ever faithful. Even if what I perceive to be needs go unmet, I know that God's faithfulness and provision in my life aren't lacking. He is steady and unchanging, faithful even in my short-sighted fits of panicked tears. He will provide. He always has and He always will.