Strain

The rush and bustle, the late nights and long projects. Today I'm worn and tired. I don't want to work anymore. But still I know I must. I'm glad I'm working for something, living for a purpose. Otherwise all of this strain would get too old for me manage pretty quickly. My life is good, I'm just human.

Shower for a shower

Got up early and faced a rainy day at work. But the hours went by quickly, not entirely without my effortfull counting, however. I tried to will each one by faster than the last, because this evening I knew I had a party to attend.

Our dear friends threw James and I our first (and possibly only) wedding shower today. It was friends sitting around a sharing food and laughter, taking part in each other's lives. We were blessed with tons of goodies that we love. I came home and ate a late night snack on one of our new plates =) I know we're supposed to save them for after the wedding, but they're so fun!

I feel so loved and blessed to have the amazing friends I do.

From Scratch

Tonight was date night. A couple days ago James and I decided that we'd spent much of tonight in the kitchen, working together to create a delicious masterpiece. It was his idea, really, as are many of the amazing things we end up doing together. We settled on making ravioli and chicken parmesan from scratch. We made the noodles, cut out the raviolis and filled them, prepared a homemade breading, pan-fried the chicken, and baked all of the deliciousness into a cheesy, marinara-y dish. We went to the store and bought all of the ingredients at about 3:30, arrived back at the townhouse at 4:30, and cooked until almost 8.

Together we filled the kitchen with warmth and laughter, dancing and playing and loving each other. We've not always made a great team, but now I feel we're a synchronized pair, working in tandem. The whole evening was magical. It's each carrying an armload of groceries out of the store, spending all afternoon working together, and then spending all evening sharing the fruits of our labor with one another...these things make my heart do a loop-the-loop. I want to do this forever, for the rest of my life.

Traverse

The light was on my side tonight as I made my usual Thursday trek to Athens. Since the time-change, sunset has been delayed just enough to allow me to get up to that removed college town with ample light. Sushi, laughter, discussions, growing together. It blows my mind to think that Jenny and I have known each other for nearly five years now. We were such different people then, both of us.

Driving home down the lonely late-night streets, thoughts of our years of friendship keep me distracted. The darkness seemed extra thick and rich tonight, like a pillowy fog through which my car carried me, not entirely untouched by it's inkiness. The stillness provided a comfortable backdrop for my solipsism, like a blank canvas of a dream. I'm so grateful for that girl. I hope our kids will play together and she and I can laugh while they cavort around like we have. 

Wrong Side

Today is one of those days where you feel you've woken up on the wrong side of the bed. It seems like things are going wrong all around you. I woke up feeling uncomfortable in my skin, walked around all day not totally with it, feeling like I could cry just for being awake. Of course I lost my pens, tripped while walking down the sidewalk, and spilled drinks on myself throughout the day. Because when you have days like this, it all kind of seems to come down on you. I did beat Dragon Age 2 today, though. Pretty exciting stuff. Ha!

Tired

Tired Tuesday. Glad it went by quickly. Back at work and in the swing of things. Split a milkshake with my love on the way home from work. Poor thing had to drive to timbucknowhere today for work. Still, he surprised me by picking me up from my job earlier than usual. I'm so blessed I have a man who loves me so well.

We are officially inside the two-months till the wedding mark. I'm exstatic! So much to do, so much I've done. Just two months and it'll all be over, all the planning, all the worry. And while I really have enjoyed this process, I so much look forward to just coming home to my husband and living our life together as man and wife. Finally. Oh yes I cannot wait!

Hookey

It's something I rarely do. It's something I know will bite me in the butt later. But on a spring day like this...when my best friend has the day off...how can you not play hookey?

Spent the whole day playing video games and enjoying the gorgeous day around me. It was an amazing day. Turns out I didn't even miss anything at school. One more day of spring break? I think I can handle that!

Today marks 2 months until the wedding! There's still so much left to do. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed by it all, but looking back at how much we've gotten done in the last 4 months, I know we can do it. Only details left to finalize really...still...wow. I am growing a bit impatient, but it's a real relief to know it'll be here soon. Only two more months. Only two more months!

Day of Rest

A gorgeously rejuvenating spring Sunday. Unseasonably warm, the trees changing from their various flowering hues as vibrant green leaves shout new life. Cooking, laughing, cleaning, resting. Feeling madly in love. Just staying in and soaking up the life around me. 

Healthier

Went to work today. Even went in a little early in an attempt to make up for the ground I lost by not working yesterday. My voice is still all funky and I'm definitely not 100% (as most clearly evidenced by my quickly depleted energy reserves) but I'm not nearly as sick as I was yesterday. Hopefully I'm on the up-swing.

Today has been a day of work, school, and wedding planning. Also of just a little obsessing over the engagement pictures we got back last night! Two weeks ago James and I spent a lovely afternoon in Piedmont Park with Mary Anne Morgan, a fabulously talented photographer and just all-around nifty person. Her gift is evident, and every photo is a work of art. She spent hours with us and processed tons of images for us. She was even kind enough to post several of our favorites on Facebook! Not surprisingly, I've spent most of the afternoon toggling back and forth between school work and the beautiful pictures.

Now evening is quick approaching and I'm looking forward to an night of Dragon Age II and funny TV shows with my beloved (can I get a "What what!" for Community, 30 Rock, AND Grey's Anatomy?!). Ah, pretty good day. 

Rise

Definitely better today.

Since the time change I've found that my 8 AM shift-starts allow me the pleasure of riding to work with the sun coming up in my rear windshield. While waking up before the sun is pretty much a dreadful experience (I'm just saying, if the sun isn't up, does it make sense for me to be?? I'm thinking no...), seeing the glorious colors splashed across the sky is invigorating. Nothing like a brilliantly beautiful hello from God to kick some giddiness into my morning.

A good shift at work gave way to a beautiful evening with my beloved. Since we've both been sick all week, we've spent a lot more time together than usual. Today was our date-day, though, and we've both made it a priority to not miss these nights. Tonight we split some IHOP, lingering in conversation over our pancakes and eggs. Leaving, in a nearby parking lot, we passed a man holding a sign that simply read "Food." Without hesitating, James pulled over, hopped out, and gave him our leftovers. The simple, beautiful things James does are so amazing to me. I must say, though I'm certainly not proud to admit it, I hadn't even given that man with the sign a second thought. I assumed he wanted money I didn't have and that even if I did and had given it he'd have used it for something wasteful. But James didn't see a problem, just the opportunity. He later explained that even if that man didn't want food, maybe being given some was what he really needed, maybe if he threw the food away, just the act of being given it would somehow bless him. I love the way that man makes me grow, makes me better.

Trapped

I hate feeling sick. I've never been good at just being and resting till I'm well. Thoughts of what I could be getting done and the realization that the longer I spend sick, the less time I'll have for real vacation time keep me agitated and restless.

Plus, after I've slept for so long, my mind feels almost fully awake while my body still feels like a slug. Today the sky is brilliant blue. I want to run and play. I want to work. I want to see my friends! But every time I venture from my room I find myself regretting the decision before I make it down the stairs.

Hopefully this will pass soon. At least James isn't afraid of my germiness. 

Sent Home

They sent me home from work today. I woke up with my voice going and as the day progressed the nausea and fatigue got worse. James was so sweet and took his lunch break to come get me from work and drop me off at the townhouse.

After a long afternoon nap, James woke up up with a pile of goodies - warm, soft food, my favorite juice (Pineapple-orange-banana), and a vast array of medicines. He'd consulted his mom on the way home and had followed her instructions on what to buy and then relayed the "how to's" of what to take and when. Throughout the night he's been taking such amazingly good care of me. He, barely out of the sick woods himself, hasn't given a thought to his own needs since getting off of work. Just quietly and lovingly attended to mine. Oh I hope I get to show him this kind of love one day.

Budget

Yup, I'm definitely getting sick. I made it through work today, feeling mostly gross, but trying to be optimistic. James was sent home from work and picked me up right after I got off, meaning we had about an hour and a half of free time before we needed to head to premarital counseling. An hour of that was spent preparing and eating dinner. The other half hour? Hard-core nap time. 

Premarital tonight was about money and budget. For me, this session was glorious. I'm a big rules person when it comes to most things. I feel safer inside the confines of some parameters. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy breaking the "rules" and doing whatever (as I feel that's a pretty human desire), it's just that too much rule-breaking leaves me feeling empty, chaotic, and uneasy. James, on the other hand, is what Travis tonight called a "free spirit" with his money. James understands the need for budgets and line items and financial plans, but talking about them stresses him out. As we sat there tonight, I did my best to write him reassuring little notes and to give him encouraging, meaningful glances to let him know how much I appreciate his being willing to sit through a 2 hour lesson on how to and not to spend money.

One of the things we've been good at over the last several years is we've become great communicators. I mean to say, we communicate often and with dedication to a solution, not that we're super skilled at the actual communication point. Thus tonight's class was a lot a review of things we'd already talked about, plans we'd already made. Score one for team James-and-Grace.

Better Together

Today was beautiful. I stepped outside and into the lovely spring air, the birds' chirping song the music by which I danced through the day.

James and I splurged on a second "date" this week and went to IHOP this morning. It just felt like a brunch sort of morning. This morning we decided to split our meal and got something out of the ordinary - a busy omelet and a side of blueberry pancakes. As we waited for our meal to arrive, we played a silly game of creamer-stacking. The original idea was to see who could stack the creamers the highest. He went first, and didn't get very far. My turn next. As I slowly and carefully constructed my tower, he began to cheer me on, encouraging me that I could do it. He didn't tell me what to do, just that he believed in me. When my tower inevitably fell, I reciprocated his loving gesture. Back and forth, this competition slowly turned into an effort in which we each delighted in the other's success despite the fact that the rules of "competition" meant the other's success was our own loss. Eventually he "won" - my design, his execution. Though it seems so small, this little moment of love on display was monumental in my heart.

We're getting in the habit of doing things together and sharing things. A couple of months ago, my poor little car conked so we've been sharing a car. He drops me off early at things and I get up early to drive over to his house every morning. It's not a bad arrangement, especially since we've gotten to spend a lot more time talking. It requires sacrifice of each of us (more of him than of me) and yet he's said nothing of the cost to him. One of the things I've noticed since we've started this is that we're getting better at simply being together, like practiced runners in a three-legged race - everything we do is becoming more and more in sync. I'm loving this process. I can't wait to see it continue!

Two and a half months until the wedding!

Re-Date

March 12 - I think I'm starting to get sick, too. It only makes sense. And just in time for spring break!

Worked the good Saturday shift today. Then home to bake mason jars. They turned out pretty streaky...I'm thinking I'll try another batch tomorrow. Hopefully they'll be a little better. James was feeling slightly better today, so we tried to get in the date we missed out on last night. We put the finishing touches on our wedding invitations today. Since our wedding is so small, paper invitations are almost just a formality. But we've had a super great time designing them and can't wait to send them out next week. Pizza, Dragon Age II, and my man. It's been a good night. 

Fun Friday

March 11 - Every morning I drive out of my neighborhood and see this one spindly tree. From each of its branches is hung a colored glass bottle. The eclectic array of gleaming hues always catches my eye and makes me want to pause to marvel. It's like a little wink from heaven. 

School school school. Painted mason jars blue today. Excited to see how they turn out after baking. Date night with a sick darling love turns more into movie night. To bed early for work in the morning. 

Dress Day

Though today was rainy and nausea dogged me all day, I've found myself feeling as though I'm carrying a warm ball of light inside my chest.

As the rain sprayed through the chilly air outside Chick-fil-a's windows today, something akin to glee began to swim through my veins. It was not lost on me, this stark departure from my usual reaction to rain. I was grateful almost to tears for the nourishing parts of life as, even if just for a moment, I could feel almost physically God's provision in the things which are not always comfortable. Speaking of, rumor has it I'm scheduled to work 39 hours next week. It's a blessing in the hard stuff.

After the 8 hour day of work today, I returned home to find that my wedding dress had been delivered! I hurriedly tried on the flowing chiffon dress and my heart skipped a beat when it zipped up perfectly. Thrilled.

Now I'm exhausted and ready to crash.

Thank you, Father, for letting me see your heart in the rain.

Weight

Today was a rainy, cloudy day. It's so strange to me that rain, something so nourishing, so necessary and life-bringing, is experienced with such frequency as unpleasant. Of course, it boggles my mind when people talk about loving these dreary days. I suppose it's about your perspective. From inside a house, curled up and sipping tea with a good book and a blanket, these rainy days could be beautifully cozy. Walking around campus, balancing books and an uweildy umbrella in sideways rain and chaotic wind, however, the experience is rather different.

These days make everything feel heavy and strained. Even tonight as I've tried to post on here, I've had to fight the usually reliable internet just to load the page. 45 minutes for two paragraphs. Every movement feels effort-full, constrained. Today I've just put one foot in front of the other...and right into a puddle.

Here's to shifting my perspective. I want one day to love the rain. 

Rhythm

The alarm drags me from a deep sleep, violently shaking my completely vulnerable spirit from it's peaceful rest. As the realization of morning dawns on me, so does the overwhelming desire to throw my alarm out of the window and return to my slumbers. "Oh no it cannot be time to get up already!" I drag myself out of bed and shamble, zombie-like, down the stairs and into the kitchen to begin my morning rhythm.

There's something so comforting and constraining about rhythm.

I think it's fairly self-evident that people were created for rhythms. Rhythms in food, in sleep, even in our very breath. Inhale, exhale. Nature emanates this wild regularity - sunrise/sunset, changing seasons, the waxing and waning of the moon. These rhythms help maintain balance, keeping everything in it's proper alignment. Without this regularity, things would begin to fall apart, to crumble.

I'm in the process of establishing and re-establishing some necessary rhythms. Same time, every day, even on Saturday. I want these things to become like clockwork, things so basic and integrated forgetting them would be like forgetting to put on clothes.

One of the precious things that has become a part of my weekly rhythm over the last several years is Water's Edge. First it was Thursdays, every Thursday. Now it's Tuesdays. Every Tuesday night I walk into this gathering of college kids and leave refreshed and refocused. It's a beautiful time of fellowship and teaching, and missing a week throws my whole week a little off-kilter. These are nights for breathing in, for inhaling life and truth. I'm so grateful for this community.

On another note, my wedding dress shipped today. I'll now be stalking it using UPS package tracking as it makes its way here later this week =)

Little Things

I...am an obsessive person.  Day in and day out, small things and big things alike are often found victims of my mind's relentless scrutiny. Ever since I was a kid, when I used to lie awake at night unable to sleep because I couldn't "turn my brain off," I've found things about which to obsess. For me obsession isn't an effort, it's natural, it's like breathing. 

Over the years this tendency has had some pretty positive side effects - good grades, great recall, and even joy in the tiny things that are easily missed. Yet these don't outweigh the high price paid for this neurosis - anxiety, indecision, difficulty relaxing, inability to fully express one's self. Now I find myself in the middle of a precious season in which my obsession battles are strong. The gravity of the singular nature of this time in my life has been fuel to this fixation fire. These days only happen once and the obsessive, neurotic person inside me is screaming to make sure I get it right, that I don't look back wishing I'd done anything (from flowers to pictures) differently.

Yet the more I obsess, the more I rob myself of the joy of the moments I'm in; the more I find myself wishing I hadn't been obsessing and had just lived those moments. Basically I end up creating the regret I seek to avoid. Two and a half months from today I will get married. I don't want to spend these beautiful days worrying about what I might wish 10 years from now I'd done differently. Our whole wedding event is planned around James and I's core belief that May 21st isn't going to be about the party, it's going to be a party about the love. 

Oh tides of temptation, how quickly you steal my gaze away from it's rightful place, how swiftly I am caught up in your torrents. I am not helpless, though, and back to solid ground I will trek. Be still, oh anxious mind of mine. These are the days of love. 

Fitting

March 6 - Today was a lovely blur of emotion and exhaustion. An early morning filled with cleaning followed by the reiteration of some precious truths at 12Stone. A good start to what I knew would be a full day.

Ah yes, speaking of precious, the afternoon was spent in the company of these two lovely ladies and my beautiful mother. The four of us merrily traipsed through stores filled with tense air and pretense - bridal shops. Our group, down to earth and the antithesis of stuffy, had our minds and hearts set on joy before our excursion. Thus, arm-in-arm, we explored these establishments free of the stress glimpsed around us. We quickly decided on simple strapless, cotton bridesmaids dresses in a blue shade of turquoise. Romantic, simple, beachy. A small bouquet of white anemones and the wind in their hair will complete their ensemble. The joyous afternoon whirred on, and as the end of our time together approached, it happened. Standing on a wooden box, draped in ivory and surrounded by sparkly-eyed dear ones, my breath caught in my chest at the realization that at that moment I was wearing my wedding gown. A moment of emotional silence passed as a thousand nameless feelings rushed around each of us. "Yup, this is the one." The room itself sighed as laughter was shared and tears were shed, and those once-in-a-lifetime hours danced by.

Re:New

Obviously I've allowed myself to lapse in my pursuit of this project.

This is far more difficult than I'd thought it would be. Remembering to take my camera with me, making time every night to blog, taking care to edit the pictures. It's just more effort-full than I expected. But most good things are.

So today I renew my commitment to this project. I've known I wanted to begin again for a while now, but I hesitated, looking for the "perfect" time. The first of the month. A Monday. A Saturday. A day of some significance. I mulled over the day of symmetry when it would be pretty to refresh my commitment. I've concluded that such days, if they exist, are rare. Today is the best day to begin again, because it is here now.

This is a year a want to remember. A week ago James and I went skiing for the first time. Two days ago we took engagement pictures with the lovely Mary Anne Morgan. Tomorrow I have a fitting for my wedding gown and am shopping for bridesmaids dresses. These are precious days. So many once-in-a-lifetimes rushing by me. Ha. Thinking about it, that is both why I set out on this endeavor and why it is so difficult to complete. But it is more than worth the difficulty.

Today is a day of re:new. More realistic goals. More realistic strategies. A time to pick up where I left off and start again.

March 5 - Worked today. Rainy day full of missing James and smiling while entitled people angrily glare at me for not anticipating their every need. It's been a day of grappling with stress, plans, and impatience. Today has not been a pretty day, not a day full of the joy and love of which I love to write. But it's just one of those days. These days are necessary. These days grow me. These days remind me of how blessed I am when I feel it, of how blessed I am in this moment even though I can't feel it. Tonight I've busied myself with "to-do"s, laughing and crying through the strain with my beloved. Today is a day of renew.