Re:New

I hate cleaning, but I love the way I feel after it's done.

Today was the first day of school. Just to be frank, nobody wants to start school on a Friday - not even professors (as evidenced by the fact that my biology professor didn't even come to class today, just sent someone else with a sign-in sheet). After school I spent the rest of the day and night cleaning the house from top to bottom.

I'm an avoider by nature. I've developed the tendency to hide from problems rather than facing them head-on. It's a wholly unhealthy flaw that I actively work to confront. In my house, this manifests itself in that messes and such usually get the "I'll just deal with that later" treatment. Unfortunately, in situations like these, later rarely ever actually arrives.

Cleaning for me is like eating vegetables is to a kid - the act of starting to do it is the hardest part (once I'm doing it I often find it's not so bad at all, I might even be enjoying it!) The act of cleaning isn't actually a painful one. Rather, it's one I quite enjoy.I've found this process to be a cathartic one. The process of decluttering and refreshing my environment invigorates me. I generally finish the act feeling fresher, lighter, like I've turned over a new leaf. In those moments (our hours as the case was today) I am able to be alone with my thoughts, prayers, and reflections. While physically sorting out the junk and trash that has been left about carelessly, I get to do the same emotionally and spiritually. I turn over dusty, long-forgotten parts of myself and ask "Is this something I want to keep? Do I need this? What is the significance of this part of me?" I clear off the cloudy dirt on my heart and let fresh light shine in, removing old warn-out bits of self and making way for fresh new ones. In these times I have the opportunity to renew myself in the act of renewing my environment. Whoever thought counters could be so enlivening?

Provision

Tomorrow I return for another semester of school. I love school. I always have. Growing up, people develop skill sets - some are artists, some are musicians, some run track, some are social butterflies. I invested my energies in learning how to learn and how to love it. My first semester in college was magical. I took just the right number of engaging classes, I had no other major responsibilities, and I made many new friends. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven - this perfect balance of learning  and being around friends was just what I'd always loved about school. Since then, my experiences have kind of been a let down, especially this year.

Fiscally things lined up so that my first year of college I didn't have to work. I lived off of the Pell Grant and spent the majority of my time studying. This year, however, HOPE and Pell Grant barely cover my tuition, let alone books and other expenses. This has necessitated a job. Now, I love my job, I truly do. But after experiencing a world which consisted entirely of studying and having relationships, having to have a job is a little of a let down. I was spoiled and now I'm living closer to reality. But the real bummer comes at the beginning of every semester when I have to shell out between $300 and $500 for used and rented books. Partly due to the unusual brevity of the Christmas break and partly due to my putting off the dreaded task, I've yet to actually buy any books for this semester. Now the semester is upon me and I've discovered via online syllabuses that the majority of my classes are heavily reading based. Serves me right I suppose.

So today I found myself scouring the internet in search of cheap books I could get rush-delivered. As a penny-pincher by nature, it hurts to spend large sums of money at all. Now that I'm in a season of special frugality due to wedding and honeymoon costs, this pain is worsened. James and I make enough to get by, but nothing extravagant. And I never really want to live a well-moneyed life. I want to be able to comfortably save and live modestly. But right now every necessary cost takes from the funding of another necessity because there are so many more necessities than usual. Through all of this God has been so uncommonly gracious in His provision for us since our engagement. From huge things like the unbelievable living arrangements we'll be enjoying once we're married to smaller things like gifts of iTunes gift cards for reception music, God has used our friends and family as vessels of His love and provision in breathtakingly beautiful ways. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I've been brought to public tears in the last couple months because of unexpected kindness!

Despite these amazing experiences of provision and bounty, my short-sighted human heart is troubled at the very mention of another expense or a need that has yet to be met. Here I sit typing on a computer that is a blessing in a house that is a blessing and inwardly something trembles because I'll have to work a little harder to make sure books are paid for this semester (to attend college for which I pay no tuition). These are times I am glad my emotions do not dictate my life. God is so good and is ever faithful. Even if what I perceive to be needs go unmet, I know that God's faithfulness and provision in my life aren't lacking. He is steady and unchanging, faithful even in my short-sighted fits of panicked tears. He will provide. He always has and He always will.

Known

Today was marvelous.

After working a longer shift than usual, I got to spend the evening in the company of the two beautiful ladies you see to the left of me in the picture above. I love them!

These two girls are some of my dearest friends. Over the last several years, Hannah, Jenny, and I have shared many excruciating struggles and jubilant triumphs. They've blessed my life in more ways than I can ever really express. I've never really had stable, solid friendships with other girls that have stood the test of time, distance, and maturity. These two have been the lone exception to that tendency. We've been separated for months at a time, have lived many miles apart, and have gone several weeks without getting to visit with one another. And still God has held our friendship together. 2010 brought a lot of change to all of our lives and in the tumult of personal growth and change, our ability to spend time together as a group dwindled to almost nothing. It had been a solid eight months since we'd all sat in the same room. I'd gotten to see the both of them separately, but Jenny and Hannah hadn't gotten to see each other in months! Last night we spent the evening laughing, sharing, and enjoying each other's company once again. It was beautiful.

There's something precious about being fully known. When you can look into the eyes of another and know that they know you, understand you, accept you.

Dismantle

Verb: to take apart; disassemble; tear down

Today was on the emotional/heavy side for me. I worked and enjoyed most of that. Then ran errands. Then a very good Water's Edge to round out the night. Pretty much an average Tuesday. 

Being a human is hard work. Well, I suppose being a human is easy, incredibly easy. Being what we're called to be, something more than small, self-absorbed, gratification-seeking creatures, is really hard work. I'm growing convinced that one of my most daunting enemies is myself. Impulse versus patience, fight versus flee, self versus love. Constantly it seems I undo my best work. It's like I'm knitting furiously while another version of myself sits beside me, undoing my stitches just as furiously. And just as I'm becoming more sure that I'm my own worst enemy, I grow equally as sure with every passing day that the only escape from this one-step-forward-two-steps-back manner of living is God. 

In a culture and a society constantly asserting that the highest level of actualization is self-actualization, I sometimes feel like a trout swimming upstream. My generation seems to have drunk an exceptional amount of this self-involved Kool-Aid. "Find yourself and then you'll find the meaning of life!" they promise. Oh I've often found myself buying (both consciously and subconsciously) into that line of thinking. But I find this only leads to more emptiness and confusion than that with which I began. I'm growing increasingly weary of myself. I'd like to become more like what I was made to be, less of me and more of Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I know I am specifically and uniquely designed, but I think those distinctive aspects of myself become magnificent only in surrender to the One who created them. Less of me and more of Truth and Love, please.

Swimming in January

This is kind of becoming an obsession =)

I never really understood how people could spend so long just flipping through books and magazines before their weddings. I couldn't understand what on earth they were looking for, or what made one picture so dramatically different than another. Now I'm beginning to understand.

James's first cousin, once removed, Xan, and her husband Pat own the beach house we visited in Florida last weekend. They are truly awesome people who have been nothing short of a God-send in making the wedding of our dreams possible. While we were down there, Xan and I got to talk about wedding planning. She's planned several beach weddings and had TONS of helpful advice. In addition to all of the advice, she shared a plethora of delightful wedding books and magazines with us covering a broad range of topics from flowers to cakes, DIY decor to photo stories of extravagant weddings. Since Friday night I've been pouring over these jems, spending just about every free minute immersed in their pages. So many questions and ideas are swirling around in my head! It's times like these that I especially wish I was gifted in the visual arts. I've always been a little envious of those who can take what's in their heads and pour that onto a page or a photograph. But now more than ever. With so many ideas jumbling up my brain I wish I could just put them somewhere, clear out some space in my head and organize my ideas. For now it's all a swirly hodpodge of twinkle lights, anemones, sand, spanish moss, hydrangeas, mason jars, waves, s'mores, lanterns, hand-painted signs, and blue thistle - just a fuzzy, jumbled mess.

Today was largely unremarkable, a day of wedding dreams and work. I usually don't work Mondays since my school schedule is MWF, but this Monday I'm on break, the last Monday I'll be on break for several months. So today I worked. And since tonight is James's night to hang out with his best friend, I've spent the evening buried in books, blogging, and introspection, all while distracted by TV. One notable thing did happen today. In telling my dear friend Hannah about the reception venue, I got the most clear picture in my head I've had so far of what our reception will look like. It was a strikingly emotional two seconds for me, so much so that I teared up a little bit. It was...kind of awesome.

So for now I think I'll spend the rest of my evening swimming in my dreams, ideas, and plans. 

Lazy Sunday

Today...was a pretty good day.

I awoke this morning to bright sunshine and a particularly rested, cozy feeling. I rolled over lazily to check the time on my cell phone only to see a bright 11:30 AM glaring off the screen. The all too familiar frustrated disappointment that accompanies the realization that one has overslept flooded through me like a shock wave, quickly followed by a similar wave of sardonic amusement. "A new year doesn't change everything" I thought to myself as I rolled out of bed.

The rest of the day was filled with life-giving pursuits a-plenty. I had a long quiet time, worked on the wedding website, went for a run with James, went grocery shopping, watched Community (arguably one of the most HILARIOUS shows on TV right now), made dinner, and played a little Gears of War. All in all, except for missing church this morning, I've had a pretty excellent day.

After such an amazing couple days off, the realities of this next semester began hitting me today. All of this delightfully quiet introspection and gleeful pursuit of simple pleasures will soon dwindle to what I can squeeze in on the occasional week night. I adore school, but I am not looking forward to the onset of crazy schedules and the pressures that accompany working, going to school, and fulfilling other obligations. Also, after the amount of time James and I have been able to spend together, I've never been more ready to elope and just be married! Saying goodnight to him is by far the hardest part of every day.

Ah but time marches on and the next four and a half months wont really be that bad. School will be fun, friends will be amazing, work will be fulfilling, James and I will spend plenty of time together, and God will always be good. And on this lazy Sunday, I will sit back and enjoy the tranquility.

For good measure, here's a link to the video whose namesake I borrowed for this blog title. I'm pretty sure this never gets old!

Until tomorrow...

The First

Happy 2011! Today is New Year's Day, meaning that this is the official start of my commitment to blog every day. For a first entry I'd hoped to have something more interesting to say...hmmm.

I spent the large majority of today enjoying the wonderfully bleak view captured above. On Thursday, my fiancée James and I drove down to Seagrove Beach, Florida to scope out wedding locations (someone in his family owns a beach house there). We had a BLAST on our trip, but eventually all good things must come to an end and today we had to bid the sea farewell and make the six and a half hour drive home. The drive itself wasn't that bad, but it rained pretty much the entire time and while we made the 100 mile straightaway through Alabama we did so under caution to beware of tornadoes. Yay.

But if I had to make a long, austere drive through bad weather with anyone, it'd definitely be James. And this trip was worth even the gross drive. Though we only spent a full day down there, both of us took as much time as we could to really soak up the relaxed beauty that is so natural and typical of the beach. We had a quiet New Years celebration last night, talking with Pat and Xan (who own the beach house) about weddings and watching reruns of Saturday Night Live. As midnight approached, we caught glimpses of fireworks by the ocean. Barely able to stay awake, we said goodnight at 12:05 after a long hug, sharing excitement that this is the year we will wed. We also settled that Seagrove is definitely where we'll have our wedding and where we'll honeymoon! It's so gorgeous.

Phew, my brain is numb from driving. Instead of boring you with unfocused and hazy recollections of the highway, I'll leave you with some photo highlights of our trip.

Starting down towards the beach

Lunch at Cracker Barrel just past the halfway mark

The very tail end of sunset

Running towards the ocean

Getting a little more splashed than had been anticipated!

Cutie face